Time Out or Tough Love?

I have spent most of my career as a Psychiatric nurse studying a menagerie of diagnoses, disorders and addictions. I used to believe in these labels hung on individuals for justifying their behavior or poor choices. Recently however, I’m being challenged in these labels. I believe our culture is witnessing a generation of children growing to believe that their behavior can always be justified in one way or another. This country has lost the ability to raise our children with accountability, and in my opinion it started with the “time out” phenomena. Don’t get me wrong, plopping my kid into a chair to sit and think about their actions has worked on occasion, especially when they were at a young age. The problem is the complacency I see with parents as that child grows older, from the tween to teen years, something is missing.

Ok, here it goes. It’s the statement that proves I’ve become my mother: when I was growing up, you did what you were told or there would be serious consequences. I remember when the tough love theory worked on our youth. I should know, I grew up when that concept came about, along with President Regan, say no to drugs, and mothers against drunk driving. Just think about these concepts for a minute. They're still thriving, and have changed the way our culture thinks and feels about drugs or drinking & driving. Laws have even been implemented from these concepts, and thousands of lives have been saved due to their cause.

So where did the tough love go?

Let’s face it parents, life is tough. It’s only going to get tougher for our children.

I feel confident that when my kids turn 16 and gets their first job, their boss isn’t going to throw therapeutic comments at them when they’re not doing what’s expected. I can’t really hear the manager saying, “It appears your having a hard time right now keeping up, would you like to tell me what might be going on?”

I’m about all tapped out on therapeutic communication, and listening & reading from the “professionals”, the best methods for raising our children.

Now days if a child is defiant, he gets diagnoses of Oppositional Defiance Disorder. So wait, there’s a diagnoses for being defiant? Hell, I got the back of my mother’s hand if I was defiant! I never saw it as abuse. I knew I deserved it!

Our children have the right these days to file charges against their parents if a finger is laid on them. We have therapists telling parents to let our kids have a certain amount of control in their lives, but it has resulted in parents losing control of order in the home.

When are parents going to trust their abilities on raising their children based on tried & true values of the past? Respect, manners, honor, pride …


Tough love

It just may be the best therapy for our children!

Have an intimate day!
Jennifer

Needful Things

Last night was yet another difficult night for me because due to some unknown reason I've been having severe back pain while sleeping therefore, I get very little of it. So this morning getting up earlier than I usually do, I headed for the coffee pot that had just started brewing. My husband, always awake before me, lovingly makes the coffee so it's ready when I need it. This particular morning I knew that I would require a strong shot to get on my way, so I stopped the brewing process to add more grounds. My husband looked at me with bewilderment and asked what I was doing. I told him, "I need it stronger". He rolled his eyes a bit and started to walk away. Admittedly I became trite with a martyrdom attitude and said, "never mind, it's fine". Then I started to walk away (see a pattern here). He then walks toward the pot with sigh, to add more of what I desired.

The morning went on without much said, then from silence to 60 a "discussion" ensued. He left the house, I got the kids to school, then the phone rang. Obvious that 60 wasn't enough, the discussion was forced to accelerate. I of course didn't see where my shortcomings were since I just wanted stronger coffee, but something was said during that "discussion" that brought this freight train to a screeching halt, and I heard it, louder than my ears could stand the intensity.

He said, "well, it just doesn't seem like you appreciate me making coffee for you".

OUCH! Yep, I heard it. Within that sentence were multitudes of emotions. Not appreciating him; his actions weren't good enough; expectations of perfection,......and on & on,.....
I felt the sting, but it wasn't mine. I just caused it.

We women like to claim the emotional needs card in the marriage game, but rarely recognize that men have emotional needs that are just as important. Women tend to think that the physical needs of men are first and foremost, forgetting or not even acknowledging that men even have emotional needs. What's interesting is men do communicate emotional needs often however, it is communicated in a language that we women just don't seem to understand.

Intimacy must happen in all forms of communication. Understanding the language can be a challenge, but it is attainable by staying in the moment.

So the next time you find yourself in a "discussion", listen to the language. Then ask yourself, what's being communicated here? You might actually discover those needful things that are so important and necessary to each and everyone of us.

Have an intimate day!

Jennifer

Taming the Tongue

Not too long ago while teaching a 1st grade Sunday school class, I had given each of these 6 & 7 year olds a travel sized tube of toothpaste. "Are we going to learn how to keep our teeth clean", one student asked. "Oh no, we are going to learn something much more important", I stated. The first thing I had the children do was squeeze all the toothpaste out of the tube onto a paper plate. Squeals and giggles filled the room as they performed this task.

When I saw everyone was finished I said, "well, it seems everyone got their toothpaste out quite easily, didn't they"? Boisterous confirmation spilled through the air with pride and laughter. It was a sight to see the smiles plastered on their faces, knowing what was coming next. "Since you kids had such an easy time getting all that toothpaste out of the tube, I want you to put all of the toothpaste back in". Suddenly the smiles turned into perplexing wonder, as you could hear a pin crash to the floor. One child raised his hand and said, "but we can't do that. Once you squeeze the toothpaste out, you can't put it back in".

Profound simplicity isn't it?


The lesson was to help these children understand that once words are shot out of our mouths, it is impossible to ever take them back.

Anyone with children knows, that rarely do they keep comments to themselves and more often than not, they never mean to hurt with intent. Adults however, should know better. Instead, we allow words to spew from our tongue with intention to hurt and harm others.

This weeks effort is an attempt to look at ourselves and how our words affect others. Even if you don't have children, you were a child at one time and I am certain that you can remember when you were destroyed by the hurtful words of others. Remember, that you yourself, can change the way others speak to you. You can create intimacy with anyone you communicate with. Because a kind tongue,.......is contagious!


Have an intimate day!

Jennifer

Is It Ever Ok To Fake An Orgasm?

Unequivocally, the answer is NO!

Now, let me first address that it is usually the women that fake their orgasms, for a multitude of reasons, but more and more men are doing it as well.

Let me explain why this is such a problem. First of all, it's a lie. You are making your partner believe that they are pleasuring you in the most passionate, loving, intimate way. When faking a climax, your leading your partner to believe that their doing a good job. Which leads to the next indication that there is no communication during what should be a sacred experience.

When you think about it from that point of view, let's consider what we teach children about lying,....the first lie is easy, but then it becomes harder and harder to cover up the first lie with one after the other, digging them deeper into trouble.

That is exactly what happens when you don't communicate to your partner what pleases you or what your needs are when your making love. Did you read that correctly? "Love making" not sex making, or fulfilling your partners needs and not yours; I said "love making". That takes two. You just can't do it alone. Well, you can,.....but there is something missing in that experience isn't there? YES, it's the other person!

So ladies, if you are faking it here and there, let me assure you that you are only digging yourself into more trouble. For one thing, start telling yourself that you deserve to be pleasured as much as he does, and expect it! There is nothing a man loves more than to know that he is pleasuring his mate (it's an ego thing). Men, if you are having issues and find yourself faking it, you need to express to your mate the reasons it is happening. Either partner deciding that it is ever ok to fake an orgasm, is ultimately making a choice about how intimate their relationship is and will become in the future. So, if you've been in a relationship for 1 year or 50 years, it is NEVER to early, or late to start having a true intimate life together.


Have an intimate day!

Jennifer